More Than Sleep: a Reflection
Today I stayed after school with some friends waiting for the traffic to lighten up.
My lit teacher asked us what was going on in our little corner, that we don’t look happy and we’re definitely not talking about the poetry we should be reading.
I felt kind of bad that I let myself slouch against the wall sometimes even though I enjoy his humor, I appreciate the content, and I love his class.
We ended up having a light-hearted conversation and I resolve to make him cookies for the holidays but I think it’s a good time to reflect.
I’m thinking that for how put together I must seem or come off, I’m actually really not sure what I’m doing at times or what I’m even feeling. I’ve been too busy with the things to be done and decisions to be made to spend the time I should be on things I want to do. I find myself before the mirror with all my layers without ever consciously deciding to get up in the morning, much less what I will accomplish. Something intrinsic and routine has made me stand saying it must be done.
But of all the things that must be done, what do I want? Really want. Just yesterday I tuned in just long enough to someone’s performance in speech and debate to hear her say that people want success, but not bad enough. Some days, what you want is going to surpass rest and even sleep. What do I want so badly that I’m getting up in the morning for? I need to readjust my priorities…
I’ve been running on auto-pilot for too long. I’ve been relying on my default settings, relying on being busy, relying on all that I’ve had to juggle lately that I’ve never dropped the balls and given myself the time to think what I believe is really worth handling. In between sighs escape, fatigue sets in, and I see that I have dug my own hole of resentment.
One more week until break. I’m just trying to get by until then. But I really need to sit some things through and decide what is really worth more than sleep.
the main thing i hate about christmas is the fact i am too poor to buy lovely gifts for all the sweet people in my life that deserve them
Writing is a socially acceptable form of getting naked in public
I am not a saint, unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying.
Pacific Beach, San Diego
Just some random photos that I keep thinking about and wouldn’t make sense to just post alone?
Photo credit to Kristine Marie Photography for the first photo that makes my eyelashes look awesome…
I’m oddly proud of the others though.
I wish you had stayed.